Do I Have Your Heart?
Hello friends!
I am so glad to be writing on this blog again after a jam-packed summer. Between finishing my Master's degree and making an international move, there was not much time to devote to blogging.
In the coming days I hope to unpack those stories a little bit more for you, however, before we get to those testimonies I would like to set the background by sharing a lesson the Lord taught me in 2020 and the beginning of this year.
Once upon a time…
Actually it was simply in March of last year, my family and I were days away from making a long-awaited international move when the world shut down due to the pandemic. What we thought would be a very short, temporary delay turned into something a bit longer and harder. I was heartbroken and disappointed, to say the least.
For others this delay may not have caused the same type of reaction, but in our situation it was an addition to a long line of failed attempts spread out between 13 years. My heart was weary and, frankly, I was embarrassed. At this point, we had been told by people "maybe God doesn't want you to go, after all. It sure seems that way after all these years." Some even acted as if we were delusional or con artists. For others, our story was the fodder for their jokes.
I could not wrap my head around why we had felt this call so strongly in our hearts for many years only to have encountered continued failure and mockery.
"Perhaps I am just supposed to pray for them and create content they can use from over here in the States," was my internal solution to this dilemma.
After hearing how churches had shut down in this particular country and were providing online content for adults but not yet for the children, I thought this must be how I could answer the call. With the help of my family, we created a YouTube channel for children to have faith content in their language during a scary time that left many feeling neglected and afraid. However, this project did not replace the deep desire to move overseas.
Eventually my home State began to open back up again. In the month of August, on one of the first services back in church, a guest speaker spoke about laying dreams and desires on the altar. Every word felt like an arrow shot straight through my heart. In that moment I believed God was asking me to lay down my dream of moving internationally and it tore me up inside. After all, this dream is what I had believed was a part of my calling for years and now it seemed that the Lord was asking for me to drop it. It felt as if an element of my purpose was being ripped out of my hands. The tears streaked down my face for nearly the entire service. At the end, I went to a lady for prayer because I truly wanted to be obedient to the Lord. She kindly listened to my story and told me "the Lord is going to take care of you. Don't worry about the future. He is moving people around to get you to where you need to be. He is preparing you for that place and that place for you."
I felt relieved because this must mean that the international move was still a go, just not for now.
However, in my personal time with the Lord, He said to me, "And what if you do not get to go? Will you still love Me?"
What He was really asking me in that moment was “Do I have your heart?”
If He had to ask me that question, it meant that the dream He had given me had begun to hold a more prominent place in my heart than Jesus. Ouch.
"Lord, it would be disappointing but I will always love You.”
"Thank you. Now, I want you to give that dream to Me completely as if it was never going to happen."
As if it was never going to happen? A rush of emotions swept over me. In that moment, it felt as if a large, heavy door had been closed permanently on this dream.
Not too long after this conversation, I fell in love with someone for the first time in years. We connected so well with similar values, dreams, passions, experiences, and love for God. It looked like this gal had potentially met her match.
This must be the dream that the Lord is fulfilling for me. Perhaps this is why He wanted me to release that other dream.
It was the redeeming point for the trying year that 2020 was. My heart was blissfully content.
However, before the year was out, the Lord asked me to walk away from this budding relationship before we could make it official.
That moment was exponentially harder than the first. In fact, the blog post Though It Tarries was written on the tail end of this experience.
I was still wrestling with the emotional repercussions of this “breakup” during the beginning of this year. Honestly, it did not seem fair the way things had turned out. After all the waiting and doing all the right things, why was I still single while others were able to have relationships so easily?
Never have I identified more with the older brother of the prodigal son than I did during that season. The resentment I felt seemed completely justified.
Again, the Lord had to get a hold of my attention. "And what if you do not even get married? Will you still love Me?"
Ah.
Here lay the true root of my problem.
Idolatry.
My motives and focus were completely out of wack and off center. Somewhere along the way my dreams and desires had become the focus of my devotion, not Jesus. In simple terms, I had been serving myself.
In both of the aforementioned cases, my heart was hurting deeply because I secretly thought I was owed something for my good works and commitment.
But that is not how love works.
Love gives freely without any expectation or demand of return.
In the post Though It Tarries, the story of Abraham and the promise was discussed. Today, let’s look at the story of Abraham and Isaac.
Abraham finally received the son he had waited 25 years for. At the age of 100, he could tangibly touch his promise. It must have left him feeling over the moon.
Yet one day God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
Wait, what!?!
It is important to note that during Abraham’s time, the sacrificing of children and firstborn sons to idols was a common practice among all the nations of the world.
Now I don’t know if Isaac had become an idol in the heart of Abraham or not, but it does seem pretty drastic for God to ask Abraham to sacrifice the son that he had waited so long for.
Was God being jealous or irrational?
No.
God asked this sacrifice of Abraham because He wanted Abraham to address something within his own heart. If Abraham disobeyed, Isaac would have lived, and when Abraham chose to obey, God stopped him from sacrificing his son and showed him that a sacrifice had already been provided in the form of a ram caught in a thicket. So, either way, Isaac was going to live. However, something in Abraham needed to die.
In order for Abraham to be the best father to Isaac, Isaac could not be his god. Isaac could not reign supreme on the throne of his father’s heart. It would have been destructive to them both.
This is why our Heavenly Father so lovingly points out the areas in our lives where idolatry resides, because idolatry destroys and kills. It is never satisfied and leaves you empty.
Idolatry does not always parade itself in an obvious form. It can look like prioritizing Netflix/YouTube over personal times with Jesus or like my case where my dreams had subtly become the focus of my heart instead of Jesus. No matter what idolatry may look like in our lives it is a dangerous trap that we have to be on guard against on a continual basis.
Our love for Jesus should not demand anything in return because He has already given us far more than we ever deserved.
Love with strings attached is not true love. True love, just like in any relationship, is simply grateful for His presence that remains with us through every season and embraces/enjoys Him for who He is rather than what He gives.
Anything extra is icing on an already perfectly sweet cake.
Will you join me today in choosing to reset our gaze on Jesus and give Him first place in our hearts?
It may not be an easy decision but it is absolutely worth it.
I want to always be able to say, “yes, Jesus. You have my heart.”
Comments
Post a Comment